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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

By Athrun
Trouble Breathing
Friday, August 28th 2010

          Friday night, it was about 11 oclock at night. I finished my homework and I went to bed as my Mom called me up. She said it was too late to do my homework.
            As I was going to sleep, the temperature was warm so I brought it down. I slept for a while. Suddenly, I couldnt breathe, I could see the room was all in darkness. I stared at the ceiling for a while. For a second then, I felt it wasnt me anymore. Furthermore, I thought it was just a dream so I could get over it, but it wasnt just a dream. I was wondering what to do. I stood up and switch the light on. My lungs got squeeze as if they were balloons. I coughed hardly and tried to breathe. I drank lot of water and it didnt help. Then I went to take a cup of milk and drank some pills. After that, I went to Moms room and told her about it. I hardly spoken every word, it hurt my throat.
            I have asthma since I was 1 and a half year old. I had an inhaler, it was useful sometime. I had to bring it every day when I was 7 in case there would be an accident or something like that. I couldnt swim or run or to be close to furry stuffs likes dogs or cats or teddy bears and so on. It was a hard time for me to survive. Some of the people must carry this illness for the rest of their life. I really dont like the fact that some unlucky people must carry that virus in their body the whole time. First, there is a chance that people would avoid me. Second, I like to travel around the world; travel is my favorite thing to do.
            Things had happened so fast, I realized that I also had some kind of illness called the nasal cavity illness. Nasal cavity illness and asthma are related to each other. Nasal cavity could lead to nasal polyps (when you have some kind of flesh grow in your nose and you couldnt breathe at all).
            For a second after I step in my Moms room, I felt death was coming nearer and nearer every second. Mom called Dad up from the living room, he always stay up late for about 3 in the morning and then hell sleep till 10 oclock mid-day. Dad ran up and asked me bunch of questions in just a flash. I couldnt even open my mouth. I was so tired then I lay on the bed and quivered. I closed my eyes for a while then Dad called me up and took me to the hospital.
            I barely remembered what happened. It was a really sunny day at Ky Dong swimming pool. I was in a float floating around the pool. I didnt know how to swim yet. I was 8 months old. There was something got stuck in my nose, I cried. I didnt know how to solve the problem. Mom and Dad came by and lifted me of the float and out of the pool. Then I slept, breathing hardly on Moms laps. After that trip, Mom took me to lots of hospitals and clinics. All the doctors said the same thing that I just had a fever, nothing would happen. A few days later, a kernel was found in my nose. It was a doctor from district 3, Dr. Thuy. Since then, I had asthma.
            On the way to the hospital, I was awaked. The street was empty. A few motor-riders passed through us. Some street lights were blinking at me as it was telling to calm down and everything would be alright. I could felt the cold air of the mid night hit me on the cheek. And there was a quick breeze.
            So we arrived, there was a guard looking at me as I was some kind of strange creature walking near him. Sit there at the bench and wait for your Dad to park the motorbike. I didnt say anything, looking at the wall that showed the sign of time. Ive been here before, thought to myself It was the time when I couldnt breathe also. My Mom took me here and I was nervous. Ive never been to a place with lots of people before back in the day. Memories abated me from the pain of my throat. I had hoped again; hoped to see my friends after the weekend, hoped to be able to breathe and talk again.
            My Dad walked with me to the emergency area. I told the doctor how I felt tonight and whatever had happened. Then she told me to breathe some kind of a throat inhaler machine for 2 times. As I was breathing the machine, it was then 2 a.m. in the morning. I closed my eyes I thought about what just happened back then since I just finished my homework like a few minutes ago.
            Later on, I went home with my Dad. I could breathe again.
            I tried to sleep again on my dear bed. I could hear the crickets in the back of the house chirping quietly in the silent of the night. I felt comfortable. I fell asleep.
            Its a brand new day

10 comments:

  1. WOW.. athrun it's a great narrative writing .. fully details , descriptive language and the Intro don't make people curious much and u didn't really show that u changed in the denoument. :D other than that it's great <3

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  2. I don't really understand the beginning part about when begin to cannot breathe. I think it does not sounds logical because when you can't breath for like 1 or 2 minutes, you will died soon. After you begins to unable to breath, you stood up and turn on the light, and you drank water, then milk and pills, then you went to your mother's room and talk to her. I think that takes us like about 7-8 minutes so the chances you survive is very low.

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  3. Great writing Athrun. I really felt your fear and your concern about your condition. I had a little trouble understanding the flashback. Try to make it a little more clear that you are flashing back. Also make sure that you explain the resolution more. How did you change? Tell us about how this condition makes you different.

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  4. to Victor :
    -i didnt mean i as going to die and that was my last moment to see things. i breathed HARDLY, that's it...

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  5. to Mr.Pat :
    - i'll try to change it in some ways. Or should i say the word "remember" before a FLASHBACK?

    -i hope u could help me to improve the story. :) :P

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  6. hope you guys would check my story again becuz i'd made lots of mistakes so..... :P i appreciate that a lot. Nor u like it or not. THANKS :)

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  7. I agree with Mr. Pat, Athrun. Your story is really riveting, and I love the way how you expressed your fear. Indeed it was really impressive, but try to make the flashback more clear. Great job!

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  8. to Athrun:
    paragraph 2 sentence number 3:"Suddenly, I COULDN'T breathe, I could see the room was all in darkness." When you say that you COULD NOT breath, that means you ARE not going to survive. If you say that you can HARDLY breathe, then why not just say:"Suddenly, I could HARDLY breath, I could see the room was all in darkness."?
    By the way, I think you are good at expressing feelings in story and also descriptive language.

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  9. to Victor :
    it was jus then not since then and till the END... if u say that you could hardly breathe, that didnt catch lots of attention, though, i think counldnt is more better. :P

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